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“I’m defined by you and your mother” March 12, 2010

Posted by sunflower71 in Uncategorized.

I’m so and so’s wife.

I’m so, so and so’s mother.

I’m daughter of…

I’m sister to,

I’m friend of,

but who am I?

The title of this post is taken from the film Confessions of a Shopoholic: the father  to his daughter on selling his caravan to help her pay her debts.  “But this caravan defines you”, she tells him.  “I’m defined by you and your mother” he says.

I think this is a very beautiful sentence.  It is full of love.  It speaks of sacrifice but also of joy in giving.  It also makes me think.

Can I define myself by my children and my parents? Doesn’t this definition forget all about me.  It puts me in a box. Mother/daughter.  My children have yet to grow and shape their lives.  My parents have given me their values, but I have, for many years now, been making my own way in life.

What I think certainly defines me more, what makes me smile, laugh  at too, what I day-dream and dream about define me, what infuriates me, what excites me and what doesn’t  say more about me than my children and parents.  This line of thinking might seem individualistic.  I might be coming across as egoistic even. I don’t think I’m that.  But I need to have this identity so as not to get lost in the boring routines that make up my days. I need to have (and occasionally voice) opinions about different and varied subjects. I can’t only think of dinner and the clothes’ laundry-basket-to-closet process. Enjoying the princesses’ growth and participating, however actively in it, is not intellectually stimulating enough for me. I touch base with my parents nearly daily.  They need their daily dose of info about their only nieces. But in the world near by and further away so much is happening that my life feels often in jail, a pink one but in jail nonetheless.

In moments like these I thank  God for the inventors of wi-fi and netbooks, websites and blogs, social networks and webcams that in a simple but very sure and effective way open the gates to transport me momentarily away, far, far away while still sitting in my corner of my favourite room with one eye on the princesses and another on the world.

ps My contact with the rest of the world is reserved to when TP and TS are at school, and to the evening when the princesses, finally, all three fall alseep.



1. maureen - March 12, 2010

you’re not an egoist. on the contrary, you gave up your own life and identity to give all of yourself to your family. it doesn’t have to be all about them though. you’re also a great woman, intelligent, fun, a true friend, a teacher, a mentor. all these things don’t have to stop existing . you’ll be a better mother and wife if you’re happy with yourself and finding your own identity again will make you happy (or even happier than you already are). and i’m saying all this to myself as well!

2. sunflower71 - March 16, 2010

thanks Maureen for trying to understand my frame of mind and for reading my ramblings and doubts 😉
I’d say nothing prepares us for the upheaval motherhood does to us…and moreover it’s a very steep learning curve.

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